...Please don't confront me with my failures,

I have not forgotten them.

It's official. I got the letter today. I failed out of grad school. I knew this was coming for a long time now. If I didn't get officially booted, I wasn't sure I wanted to stay... But to know for certain is extremely upsetting. I feel awful and I'm so angry & disappointed. I still feel like this is not entirely my fault, and that maybe if certain faculty members werent' so convinced I'd fail from day one, I wouldn't have. Who knows.

They urged me to, despite the disappointing news, work hard on completing my coursework for the semester.

So, I suppose I'll continue to write my papers. I gotta quit crying first.

GRRRRRRRR!

I've spent the past hour and a half writing thoughtfully & carefully about something I've been thinking about a lot lately and Blogger ate it--not just once, but TWICE...in 40 minutes!!!

and no, the 'recover post' button doesn't actually do anything. After the 1st time, I rewrote everything and more...then it happened again. Grrrrr! Infuriating!

Here's what the recover post button could save...I don't have the time to rewrite the rest of it now...I'll finish up and fix this post when I get done with the rest of my shit today...

What can the West Wing tell us about the effects of Lucan's narrative technique?

Another weekend comes to an end. I am in complete denial about the end of the semester & refuse to believe that I will be done with the first year of school here in a little over a week.

The final quarter of my undergraduate career was a blur-- I had so much to do for gradation and preparing to move, so many dear friends to spend time with. I was working in the department with my slide library, as well as bartending 20hrs a week. It just doesn't seem possible for that to have been nearly a year ago. It's also strange for me to be wrapping up the year in April--as I've always had class in June. . . I'm going to have to think about reality very soon. Yikes! That means looking for a job, figuring out what I'm going to do about school, & going home for my 5-year high school reunion, removal of my wisdom teeth, the 4th of July and the wedding of my dear friends at our alma-mater.

Ick! I think I'm going to stick with this denial strategy for the time being--or at least until I get my final papers finished. Because I had to withdraw from 2 classes earlier this semester, this finals-week is not so bad...quite the opposite of last semester. I'm really enjoying writing/ learning/ analyzing a smaller chunk of text but for incredible detail. Both papers concern Lucan VIII and though much of what I'm working on overlaps, the papers are entirely different analyses of 2 distinct themes. I've loved Lucan unexplainably for years and I think it's awesome to go so far with a single text.

I'm having a little bit of trouble, though, with finding a way to articulate what I think is the significant, intended affect of certain aspects of Lucan's narrative technique. [hmmm... and I claim to be a writer!] This is a problem I've always run into when I'm writing on something I like so much. I've accrued all this textual evidence, read all sorts of secondly literature, and then I can't put find the words to explain how I think those elements work together or how they are both individually & communally indicative of a larger point. Knowing me, I'll figure out how to explicate my ideas brilliantly approximately 24 hours before the paper is due.

I hate working on papers at the last possible time...I'm not the type to put off papers until the last minute. I believe writing should be a process, a cyclic set of activities that allow for greater understanding & learning (and therefore, knowing) through a 'loosely sequential and recursive set of phases.' (Guilford 1960) As a writing intensive program TA, I've read a lot about this and seen the value prewriting & outlining/brainstorming & constantly revising in both my students' work and mine...Writing, as a process, feeds productivity & insight.

Lunacy

Aha!

So maybe it's not hormones that are making me crazy! Tomorrow night there will be a full moon with a lunar eclipse in Scorpio.

This is from Astrology.com:

This Sunday, we're seeing the first of 2005's two lunar eclipses. Very early in the morning, the Earth's silhouette will pass in front of the Moon, shadowing out its light, but you'll begin to feel the effects 24 hours earlier. This eclipse is focused on Scorpio, the sign of sexuality and the paranormal -- quite the exciting combination! Scorpio is the most secretive and ambiguous sign of the zodiac, and you'll certainly feel a sense of mystery this weekend. You'll also feel a detached focus on yourself, as the illumination of the Moon, which rules our emotions, will be blocked. It's an excellent time to take a step back from the details of your life to see the whole picture.

Lunar eclipses are super-charged full Moons -- and full Moons are famous for turning up the volume on all our emotions. This particular eclipse will occur with the Moon in Scorpio, famously the most intense, depth-seeking sign of them all. Needless to say, whatever you're feeling, you'll be feeling it in spades right now. And you'll be more than willing to express those feelings to anyone who even remotely hints at being interested. Just keep in mind that it's easy to take things right over the top when this lunation is on duty, and to get totally absorbed in what's going on internally while ignoring the effects of all that on the outside world. Tough as it may be, then, consider the impact of what you're about to say and do on the future -- and try to do it well before you open your mouth.


Frankly, this is so right on that I'm a little weirded out.

It is incredibly defeating to be deeply affected by velocitous emotions--only to realize that what I'm feeling isn't rational, but hormonal. I am a being who is ultimately controlled by her emotions and when I feel lonely or angry or even joyful--I'm not just kinda lonely, I'm thoroughly lonely...I've been so moody for the past week, weepy and then giggly or furious...And I know this is happening, at least partly, because of hormones, and it just frustrates me. It's as though my thoughts are simply not valid because there's nothing real behind them. I don't know if that makes sense...

Loneliness has been creeping around within me for the past few days. Though totally cliche--I truly feel more lonely in the company of others than when actually alone. The presence of other people serves to make it clear to me that the friends I have here don't know me at all, nor I them. Then I just feel isolated and homesick. But my friends at home are busy living their lives just as I want them to be doing-- though I know they love & miss me, I'm not a part of their lives really anymore. People lose touch- even with the best of intentions. And so, if I no longer truly belong with those I used to spend all my time with & who know me very well--and I don't feel that I belong with anyone here-- where does that put me?

I believe that this kind of thinking is self-indulgent bullshit on my part. I know it. I'm sure I won't fall into some sort of deep depression or spend the next 2 weeks harping on the fact that I have no friends---I just need to indulge myself for a bit so I can remember why it is that I choose not to feel sorry for myself most of the time.

My friends here are essentially the people I live next to, and 2 from the department, and they are all great kids. The thing is that they all have their own lives and their own friends and their own plans. They hang out with me when they have nothing better to do or when their plans are here and I just happen to be around. They leave to go hang out with their real friends after stopping by to say hello on their way out. I can't blame them--I'm not angry with them for doing so and I don't expect them to invite me to tag along all the time...It just sucks for me because I don't have other friends to go hang out with.

It's Friday night at 10 pm and I've called everyone I know. They are all either busy or not answering. This is such a foreign thing for me to feel because I've never in my life had this problem before. I've always had more friends and more things to do than I knew what to do with. The other night, the neighbor couple who I spend the most time with went to some buddy's house, Boy was at work & then joined them. I went downstairs to chill with the other neighbor & his friends. They got a phone call & were going to go play poker at someone else's place--the friend who got the call just assumed I was coming with...so I grabbed my coat. My neighbor, when he realized I thought I was coming too, gave me some lame reason as to why it wasn't a good idea for me to do so. I acted like it wasn't a big deal--because it wasn't--but it definitely upset me.

I decided to clean to take my mind off of things that night...and I came across some old notes from high school, written by my best friend Kayla. Nearly 3 years ago she was brutally murdered along with her boyfriend and his roommate in Columbus. This wasn't a good thing to find when trying to keep yourself from sobbing.

Tonight the neighbor couple is out of town, my friends from the dept are either chilling with the wife or writing a paper, I'm afraid to call Boy when I'm feeling this way & also because I don't want to smother him. I went to take the trash out and stopped by the other neighbor's place. His blinds were open and I could see that he had some friends (who I know) over. He stuck his nose out the door and told me he'd come upstairs in bit. He may as well have just told me he didn't want me hanging around. A moment ago, I saw them all get in the car & drive away.

I'm pathetic, really-- not only for letting myself play this stupid pity game, but for sitting here crying about it at 10pm on a Friday night... Let's hope tomorrow my hormones & self-doubt lead me in a different direction...

Gay men make the best girlfriends

...That's what I always say.

hmmmm...It's early & I'm still trying to wake up. I planned to get up early today so I could sit outside in the morning while the sun shines on my balcony. Of course today is the first day in a week that the sun doesn't decide to shine. . .

I went to the dentist yesterday morning. I had braced myself for what was to come & how I would feel afterward. To my surprise--the encounter was much more tolerable this time. The dentist planned to take 2 hours for the 'procedure,' but he somehow finished in only an hour!! Even though I spent most of the rest of the day believing people were looking at me funny because half my face was entirely limp, I was really pleased. And now I'm half-way through all of the work! Whoopee!

After class, I ran into my buddy who is also a Classics grad student. He's great & I hadn't seen him in a while, so we made plans to hang out in the evening. I've recently lucked into having a friend's car for my personal use & he encourages me to use it anytime for anything. My awesome and very generous father told me I could spend some money on clothing--so I decided to go for a drive & go shopping. :-) Almost as soon as I got home, Boy stopped by to see me on his work break and then my buddy came over.

This friend of mine, let's call him G, became friends rather quickly & easily at the beginning of last semester; he had a similarly hard time adjusting here (he came from much farther away than I did.) He's gay and adorable and all around great. His courseload this semester is hectic, and since I pretty much avoid spending any time at all in the department lately, we hadn't seen each other for over a month. It was funny--he showed up & Boy was here. G & I were all excited to see one another and immediately talking very fast about Comparative/Historical Linguistics [[[why is it that Classics majors always have to be elitist & cultish when with another Classics major? We get together & talk about things that no one else knows or cares about in such a way as to blatantly exclude anyone who can't or doesn't care to participate--and think we're so smart & fabulous for doing so.]]] Anyway--it was funny, to me at least, because we were acting like such girls. Boy & I were sitting here just chilling, smoking a little and watching Charmed--G comes and suddenly there's such a commotion, loud voices exaggerating & giggling.

Boy went back to work and G & I sat outside talking until after 10. I'll be writing another post all about that conversation shortly...It was really wonderful--I needed to have some 'girl talk' with somebody very badly. I have only one female friend here & we're both the kind of chick who, wary of women, prefer the company of men. While she & I do have some girl-talk on occasion, we're still feeling each other out and don't discuss some things. But G & I had a wonderful time talking about boys & sex & clothes & food, and ultimately, the goings-on of the dept lately.

Gay men really do make the best girlfriends. You can talk about anything with them & they'll never steal your boyfriend or get mad at you for hitting on them. They'll tell you if you those pants make you look fat, honestly. They don't play petty mind games with women, usually, and in my experience are greatly less suspicious than women. Ha! My dad makes fun of me for having gay guys for so many of my closest friends (he's joking, of course)--- I guess because I'm not a girl's girl, and yet still not a tomboy, that we share similar social roles. No girl can ever truly be one of the guys, and I've certainly never felt like 'one of the girls'---gay men don't fit in the standard groups just as girls like me don't. {IMHO--I hate to generalize like this, but y'all probably understand what I'm saying. If I've offended anyone, it is unintentional & I apologize.}

So yesterday was a pretty terrific day...The one downer though, was that I learned that the other grad students got their teaching assignments for next year. I know that I'm not ready to teach my own class, and that after all the bullshit this semester it makes no sense for them to give me a class & in reality I'd much prefer to keep my position Writing Intensive Program because I enjoy it so much-->but it still hurt. I'm sad that I don't get to have my own class next year because I believed for so long that I would, and I know that I would have felt very proud to do it & proud to make my father proud of me. I'm having a really hard time putting how I feel about this into words. I'm not jealous, and the kids who did get classes deserve them--they'll be great teachers & I'm excited for them. At the same time, I just feel like I'm missing out on achieving/learning/do something I really believed I would not miss out on --that is, if shit hadn't gone down as it has this semester. . . Another part of my naive dream that is painful to let go of.

Ah well--the sun seems to be showing herself...I think I'll go outside & read some Dante...

Quo vado? (or: Intimacy--that's a big word)

I wondered today if I had any loyal readers, and if I do, were they wondering where I went? Sorry guys--I kinda dropped off the face of the earth for the past week. In fact, I just checked my email for the first time in a week!! I usually check my email about 5 times a day--so that says a lot.

I don't really know what's been wrong with me. I think I'm kind of depressed, or stressed-out, about the end of the semester and the fact that I have no idea what to do afterward. On the other hand, I'm not unhappy, and really I'm only worried about that one thing...I guess my future is kind of a big thing to worry about. :-) Now I'll just continue what I had been doing--and just try not to think about it while going on with the rest of my life.

I had my first really terrible encounter with the dentist last week. I have another appointment on Thursday. Yuck.

Boy stayed over mid-week last week, and we spent the weekend together. I've decided that because I like how things are progressing, I'm not going to hurry to analyze or obsess over anything that he says/does. Right now, I'm happy with him and our relationship, and he seems to be so as well--so I suppose it's only causing me grief to worry about what he's thinking about things.

However--(ha!)
Saturday night, we were laying in bed, having just finished our cigarettes (you know the scene.) and he was touching me softly in this really amazing way.
I said, "This feels wonderful."
He replied, "Yeah, I like the intimacy of it."
And I said, "Intimacy--that's a big word."

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking or what I expected him to say to such a remark. I didn't say it nicely, either. It's like I was asking for trouble. He said something about physical vs. emotional intimacy--I ruined our nice moment...but, fortunately not for long...

Now, I've got some emails to write to my professors explaining where I've been for the past week. O Joy! fuck....

decisions, decisions...

It has become very clear to me in the past few days that I no longer love what I do like I used to...I've lost that hunger--that eagerness to succeed or to learn...and I know that for certain now...After such an awful ordeal with my advisor, and bracing myself to find something else to do with my life, I'm realizing that I'm no longer satisfied with my life plan as it is now.

There, I've said [written] it. Whew! I feel quite liberated.

So I've been exploring my options. There are many things I don't know-- like how to go about putting any plan in motion & how I'm going to support myself. Here's what I do know:
1. I don't want to move. I'd like to stay right here. I'm beginning to like it here and to have good people in my life-- besides, moving is a bitch and expensive and I don't know where else I would go. I certainly do not want to move back home.
2. I need to choose a field that involves writing, and that involves people. Yes, my current field has a lot to do with writing, but it has even more to do with isolation & shitty personal relationships.
I'm thinking maybe I could get another undergraduate degree in journalism. That seems to be the best way to get into the publishing field, and is something I'm really interested in. I really think I could be an exceptional copyeditor--because working with others on their writing is something I've always had a knack for and something I've consistently enjoyed.
------------
Meanwhile, life is pretty good. On Friday, Boy came over and we hung out with the neighbors for a while before going to a frat party. Early on in the night, it was just us with the couple that set us up, and he said something about me sounding like I miss home. They all gave me a hug, (this whole thing was in fun--we were all having a good time & laughing) and he said that I didn't need to worry because I have a family here now who loves me. This was really nice. I don't realize most of the time how much I talk about home. Even though I'm happier here now, I really do miss my friends and life in Ohio, and I suppose that my loneliness is easier for others to pick up on than I'd like to believe.

Everyone else left, and Boy & I had a great conversation before deciding to go to the party. I love talking with this kid, and think he's very smart and really funny. This is why this Boy, and not others, has gotten so far into my head. I haven't found anyone that I enjoy just hanging out with, who can also have a serious conversation with me, that I also enjoy sleeping with. I haven't found that in anyone since Alex, my first & only serious boyfriend who I was with for nearly 4 years off and on.

I feel like he really hears me, or understands me, the way that my friends at home do...He picks up on what I'm not saying when I talk--which, with me, is almost more important than what I'm actually saying. No one else here has been able to understand me like that since I've been here, and he just feels so comfortable. At the party, he said that he would like to have known me as I was in Ohio, because he felt that I would just be the life of the party; he could just see me, making my rounds & walking around like I owned the place. He couldn't have been more right on.

My friends will tell you that the social butterfly aspect of my personality is a big part of why they love me so much. I guess that I feel displaced here, as I don't know anyone and can't be myself yet in that regard. For Boy to pick up on that, while I was busy trying to appear that I didn't feel alien & thinking about parties I'd attended at home, really touched me. I don't know if this makes any sense, or if I sound like a silly girl focusing on anything this boy says because I want it to be meaningful---but I'm such a guarded person, and don't like to let people see anything close to vulnerability, that something so little from him made me feel naked & I wasn't threatened by that. I'm sure I must sound ridiculous.

We went home and had a great night. In the morning, I told him I had a toothbrush for him if he wanted it. I've been spending hours at the dentist's recently and as a result, am hyper-aware of my teeth. Also, they keep giving me toothbrushes--so I thought I'd extend the offer. I know that when I wake up the first thing I think is---ewww, I need to brush my teeth. Anyway, I think that may have freaked him out a little bit, but he was trying not to show it. Ha! I wonder if he was thinking I was making plans to move him in...

part of me knows, however, that he was probably thinking that I only brought it up because I've been at the dentist's so much lately...

Empower

It's about to rain here, and when it does it's going to be an intense storm. The clouds coming in are ominous.

Despite the awful beginning to my day, I'm doing well now. I love the sound of the rain and the smell of a storm.

I woke up this morning to an apartment that was too dark & quiet for comfort. A week ago I got a notice from the power company telling me to pay my bill or my service would be cut off. I paid it last Friday...But they didn't get it apparently, and turned off my power. My cell phone is broken and a new one is in the mail--so I had to go wake up my neighbor to use his phone to call the power company. It turns out that my bank fucked up my online payments and they haven't gotten anything from me since January. But the money is certainly gone from my account...I had to charge nearly $400 to my dad's credit card to get the power back on...back payments, and re-service fees...Bullshit.

I was nearly hysterical on the phone with the power company. When I wake up, I'm essentially hallucinating for 10 minutes until I can understand waking reality. If I'm woken and then startled, I get really crazy--like, if I wake up & find that I've slept through half of class or something...the panic that sets in is irrational for a while and takes over--and then it takes me even longer to get normal again. Is this weird or does this happen to other people?

I paid the fees and quit crying, calmed down a little, with a bit of help from the neighbor, and went to the convenience store across the way for coffee. I thought I deserved some Krispy Kreme's too, on account of the traumatic wake-up. Of course, I ran into that Boy (from previous post) who was on his way to class. Damn. I was totally embarrassed to tell him my power got turned off--but I felt the need to explain my appearance and gluttony. He said he'd stop by tonight...he hasn't, but I suppose it's early.

To top it off, I spent 2 hours at the dentist's this afternoon. Yuck.

I went to class, and it was awesome for once. We are reading Dante's Purgatorio and discussed Cato's role in the narrative and Lucan. Lucan [& his Bellum Civile] is a personal obsession and I'm knee-deep in research for 2 papers right now. The prof really got me thinking and I actually got to contribute in class-- as the Prof (a Virgil scholar who is quite impressive) didn't know much about the scholarship about Cato in the Bellum Civile. One of those papers concerns Lucan VIII and the influence of Virgil, and is for her class--so she knows I know/care about the significance of Lucan & Cato for Dante. She kept looking to me for an answer or feedback and it made me feel good. Now I'm anxious to find out more...Apparently Cato's presence in Purgatory (as a Stoic and military leader who killed many before killing himself) has been the topic of much debate...

I think it's funny that my cat is named after this Cato.

I came home and got power back and took a long bath. Now it's raining, hard, and I shall continue listening to The Be Good Tanyas and the rain...
ps: I knew blogger was going to eat this post when the spell-check wouldn't work. Cleverly, I copied it into Word and thus, saved it. I'm quite proud of myself for not losing the post and felt like bragging. ;-) But wtf is up with Blogger's shittiness lately? I've read so so so many blogs lately that said something about Blogger eating their posts.

The West Wing

Damn. I literally have goosebumps.

The West Wing is the very best thing ever to be broadcast on television. Period.
Amazing.

When Sorkin left the show, I was worried that it would go to shit--and while in some aspects it has, I now find my faith in the West Wing's unrivaled excellence restored. Santos (Jimmy Smits)winning the nomination was fairly predictable--but Leo as his running mate?!! Awesome. I was entirely shocked.

God, I love that show.

Why can't the real political world have more people playing lead roles like Jed Bartlett, Leo McGarry & Josh Lyman?????

Anyone who's ever had a heart...

. . . Wouldn't turn around and break it. . .

I've been attempting not to blog about my current love-life situation for a number of reasons. A) I know from one of my various blog-gadgets that someone has been reading this blog from the department's 'majors only' computer lab. B) I know it's silly of me, but I am a bit apprehensive about making myself vulnerable--at all-- by revealing such things (especially knowing that many readers are older men or Classicists/Profs). Funny that I can write about some romantic encounters and not others, and pour my heart out about a plethora of other things in this blog--

I think, however, that my desire to keep quiet has much to do with my crazy Scorpio need for secrecy. I have been thinking about how my Scorpio-ness works with my motivations and for this reason I posted a brief guide to the Scorpion.

I haven't felt motivation to do work and haven't had anything to blog about for a few days now--so I'm giving up on this vow of silence. All I can think about is this boy, so I'm going to tell y'all about the situation in an attempt to settle my thoughts; I hope I don't ramble on for too long. Caveat lector!

My neighbor and his girlfriend [N & GF from here on out] are my good friends. About 2 months ago they got it in their heads that I needed a boyfriend, and that they should set me up with one of N's friends. It wasn't long before I realized what my friends were up to. They kept dropping by with this friend of his, we'll call him Boy. I was always in the middle of something and looked terrible, and thus entirely self-conscious for the whole time. I could tell he was nervous and the whole situation was always awkward. So that's how I met Boy, and how our next few encounters went.

Since then, I've seen him at N's place, and, without the weirdness or pressure of earlier occasions, we both began to relax. I noticed that I found this boy quite dashing-- so, naturally, the next time I saw him I flirted aggressively [:)]. Fortunately, I had some notice this time and could make sure I didn't look so terrible. Something clicked and he spent the rest of the weekend at my place. We had a wonderful and fun time together, both in and out of the bedroom. ;-)

I know that Boy is not a 'player'; he's kinda shy/quiet & lacks experience with women (or so he claims.) That, and other things he's done/said have led me to believe that he is interested more than just sex...He doesn't seem the type...But, the other afternoon he said something about not wanting to mislead me- as he doesn't do well with obligations, and is 'immature' with girls...To me, I think that says he is afraid that it's getting too serious.

He went on to say something about PDA's and then feeling bad for not being cuddly with me around his buddies. I couldn't figure out what I was thinking and didn't say much- just that I'm not good with obligations or PDAs either. And at this point I am not expecting a lot from him...I'm generally a pretty low maintenance chick, and the whole thing confuses me, just because I can't honestly say if I actually like this guy. I'm too intoxicated by the sex to be objective about it. And at least I know that.

Why, then, does he feel the need to warn me? I'm bothered by what it is that I've done to make him think I have big plans for him. In all reality, we don't know each other that well and he doesn't have any obligation to me. I don't want him to call twice a day or feel like he has to check in with me. I just want to play it by ear, and continue spending time together-whatever that entails...and ask for no special courtesy. Does this mean I'm pushing too hard? I haven't called him or named our children or anything--

I'm inclined to think that he is either confused/afraid about his feelings as well--as actions speak louder than words, and he might be just as scared of being vulnerable as I can be; But he could be a superb liar who has tricked me into trusting him; or perhaps 'he's just not that into me' and I need to quit doing this stupid-girl bullshit...

daylight

I realized, upon waking up and turning on the news, that I had forgotten to change my clocks for Daylight Saving time. I think it's strange that the majority of clocks I have automatically changed--cell phone, computer, etc.

I am very happy to have another hour before sundown each day. Daylight always helps. I love feeling like the day is longer and I think I'm more productive in the spring and fall...I could probably be more productive in general if I got up earlier...come to think of it. I really wish I could be more productive today--as most of it has been spent playing on the computer, reading the newspaper, etc--anything to further avoid doing work. It's not like I'm tired or have anything better to do- or anything on my mind. In fact, I don't even have anything specific I want to blog about.

So, with that, I suppose I'm done for now....I'm probably going to play more games online & continue procrastinating until I either decide to get my work done, or feel inspired to blog :)