Monday, August 29, 2005

'Gullible' Is Written On The Ceiling

As you probably know, Astrology is a topic I enjoy and generally I find anything about the planets fairly interesting...About a month ago, I read somewhere online about Mars coming closer to the earth than ever before on August 27th... It said that Mars would be nearly as big as the moon in the night sky. This was an interesting tidbit and so I shared it with a number of people on several occasions. That's the kind of random 'fact' that is useful when a conversation grows quiet.

I'd almost entirely forgotten about this Martian phenomenon when I turned on CNN on Saturday. The headline read "Mars Hoax." I'm such an idiot...I wonder how many people I'd told saw the news and thought me completely flaky... Just the kid in grade school who asked, "Where is it? I can't see 'gullible' anywhere!?!"

Read all about it here.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Let's talk about the weather.

My first love, Alex, called me out of the blue a couple weeks ago. We were together for 3 years and before our horrible break up, I really believed we would be together forever. I suppose everyone thinks that of their first love....Enough time has passed now that I'm not angry anymore and it's been nice to talk with him again...Bored at the job that he hates at a Honda plant, Alex sent me an email in which he mentioned the weather in Ohio and how the smell of fall creeping in reminds him of Halloween in Athens, Ohio. He said his life is so boring these days that all he can write about is the weather just as like his coworkers who seem to talk about nothing else.

I find that the weather becomes a more frequent topic of conversation as I get older... It seems to be the default discussion... It's safe: no one is left out of a rant about how humid it's been lately and no one will think you're weird for bringing it up...I think that after a while people get lazy or their brains atrophy from lack use or perhaps they are with awkward people and conversation is bound to be stilted... But really- lots of folk just seem to stop caring about actually speaking with other people and talk about the weather out of habit --just so there's something other than silence... and weather talk is what happens when you don't choose to think about what comes out of your mouth... Unless, of course, the atmosphere is actually doing something remarkable.

The distinctive smell of the wind at the start of fall is probably my favorite thing to breathe in...though bittersweet...It used to be exhilarating as it was the start of the school year and I always had such hope & optimism for the year ahead...Yet it was ominous as well because that scent is the of inevitable change: your summer fun is over and now you have to get back to the grind, knowing it's just going to get dreary and bleaker with each passing day.

It's the single most cliche metaphor in human existence--the change of the seasons as age personified. These days, that break in humidity and the smell of rustling leaves ushering in the new season makes me feel old, or jaded, because hope & optimism grow distant and seem like the silly and naive ideas of children. Is this what it means to grow up ? I'm too cynical these days for anything to be so magical again... I feel like now I know better....Santa isn't real and once you know that, Christmas is never really the same again...right?

Santa doesn't really exist. Alex and I won't be married happily ever after. Life isn't easy and growing up is a slap in the face... That's how it goes- there's no escaping it. Maybe this is why people talk about the weather.

On a more positive note, I finally got a job today and I think it's going to work out...I'm excited to do something productive again...to stop feeling useless and to quit being broke and worthless...Though it has been awfully nice to have 3 months without responsibilities...Especially after the hell that was Spring semester....It's a shitty telemarketing job for a Cable Company's Customer Service...But the money's not bad and the building is across the street from my place...It felt really great to be able to call my Dad to tell him some good news...

Monday, August 01, 2005

what a wonderful and painfully accurate horoscope:

Strength of character will be your partner today, Persephone. You seem to have an aura whose intensity scares some people and attracts others. Today your force of character could be the cause of some wonderful feelings and emotions for the people close to you. Don't try and hide your own emotions. They are the source of your creativity.

How true is that? I mean, about my 'intensity' scaring some and attracting others... Perhaps it's a Scorpio thing...

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Well Hello.

For those of you who care to know-- the scumbag who murdered my friend for $70 and 5lbs of pot received life in prison without possibility of parole. I'm glad for this, as my feelings on the death penalty are mixed. The thing about the sentence though- is this-- It doesn't really make any difference. Yes, I am glad that he is in prison and will remain there. But I don't feel any better about the whole thing. Nothing has really changed. Kayla is still gone. I kind of wish that he had to spend the rest of his life in that cell with pictures of her and Aaron and Eric plastered everywhere...I suppose that would only work if this person felt any remorse. He is still claiming that all the witnesses lied. Needless to say, this situation is still eating me up...I suspect it will for some time...

Meanwhile, in other news... My Boy is finally back in town. He'd been at home for surgery on a torn ACL until today. I'm going to go over to his new place tonight...I'm excited. I've missed him-- though I did have my fun with old flings while at home. I wonder if I'm so happy to see him because I've really missed him or because I've built him up in my head in his absence.
I have this weird way of falling in love with boys that I am friends with once I am separated from them. When a friend of mine went away to boot camp once, I convinced myself that I was in love with him. I was not. When I went away to Greece, I thought I was in love with my best friend Tyson. Nope. Now, in addition to my Boy, I have a friend who is far away and won't be back until 2006, at least. I keep thinking about him. His best friend has kinda picked up on my newfound crush--but I don't want him to know...I'm afraid that when he comes back my feelings will change. I don't know. I'm silly. Perhaps I just won't let myself grow crushes on boys that are near me because I'm afraid of getting rejected, and so I focus on those who are too far away to say no...HA! Any insights?

This week I must get a job. I'm going to apply at this call center across the street, despite the objections of my friends and former employees, because I know they'll hire me and I need the money...blah. I don't want to join the real world. I want to find a wealthy prince charming who will fall in love with me and take care of everything so I won't have to worry...not likely...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Jeez! Working this hard is kicking my ass... I've been starting at 7:30 and getting home at 6pm! Then, I'll shower and eat, and then go to sleep. So,I'm announcing officially that I will only be writing occasionally until after August the 2nd. At that time I'll be done with this temp job. Meanwhile, what free time I do have is being spent reading Harry Potter-- It's only taken me a week to read 150 pages!!!!

Thanks, guys.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Work

Well... I really think now that I've lost all my readers... I'm sorry guys! If you are out there, say hello--- please.

It's been a hell of a week. Little me has been working her ass off with the maintenance manager from my apartment. He manages a couple hundred apartments around here & asked me if I wanted to help him for 2 weeks...He has to get them all cleaned and prepared for new tenants by August 1st-- but not all of them are so eager to move out... Anyway, I don't think I've ever worked harder than I have in the past 6 days. Physical labor is kinda great-- for the time being. I like doing something that actually gives me a finished product when complete, and I like sweating and working so hard. It's also really nice that I've made more money this week than I've had since May...Awesome...

But, I am exhausted and tomorrow is another day of hard work. I've been working so hard that I haven't even had the energy to read the new Harry Potter... I own it-- It's been sitting here for a week...but I'm only 20 pages into it! I gotta go get to it...

Monday, July 18, 2005

Punishment?

I suppose it's going to take a while for anyone to realize that I didn't disappear forever and am back to the blog. I feel like my lack of hits is punishment for having left the blog for so long. Ha.

Meanwhile, I don't feel much like writing today.

Two years ago, on July 22, my best friend, her boyfriend and his roommate were brutally murdered in Columbus, Ohio. In September, the police made 3 arrests. In March, 2 of the 3 men pleaded guilty and turned state's evidence on the third man, the shooter. Last week, his trial started. It's a capital case and my feelings about the death penalty are complicated...

Link to the news story about the trial

I have been in close contact with a friend who has been attending the trial. Learning of all the gruesome, horrible details of my friends' deaths has been really tough. I feel like it just happened all over again; I am grieving like I did two years ago. I know it will be okay soon enough.

One of the reasons I went home was to attend and volunteer for the 2nd annual Kayla 5K in her honor.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Can you go ever really 'go home again'?

MEA CULPA!!! I feel especially rotten when people care or worry about me while I'm just off, not paying any attention. I like to think that I am a more considerate person than that... I've just returned from a month spent at home in Ohio...

In my hurry to pack and get everything set, I forgot to mention that I would be on hiatus for a month or so before I left. :-/ I feel rather guilty about that--- particularly after discovering a couple very considerate emails inquiring about my absence and well-being. To those loyal readers- you know who you are - I apologize and express my thanks. You guys rock-- I truly appreciate it.
I went home to attend a series of important gatherings, and of course, to see my father and my Ohio cat, Gavin. I have many good stories to tell-- though not this evening.

Tonight I found myself growing homesick while trying to choose pictures to post from my trip.

Home is 'sweet' and comfortable and wonderful-- but at the same time I believe that to whomever we may attribute the adage "you can't go home again" was painfully on point. 'Home' exists not only at a certain location, but also with specific loved ones and at a specific level of awareness of the world around you.

At least- that is, for me...

During this trip, for the first time in my life, I became incredibly aware of my age. I know, I know-- I'm only 22... But the home I look to return to is that home that ceased to exist sometime during my freshman year of college. When I return to Granville, OhioI yearn for that reckless confidence and self-righteous ignorance that existed only in high school . As hard as all of us try-- we cannot go back that youthfulness about which we reminisce at length before going our separate ways - and to jobs and bills and --- yikes!--- reality.

The giant maple tree in my front yard on Maple street, as seen from my
favorite place in Granville, Ohio-- our front porch.


It was much the same upon returning to my alma mater, Ohio University... The Athens, Ohio that I considered my home for 4 years only existed while I lived my life there, with my friends and my classes and my naive world-view...(and I'm not trying to claim that I am any less naive these days...) Now there are all these people I don't know walking around or bartending or generally just existing in Athens... And while I still run into friends or acquaintances while heading down Court Street to catch last call at Tony's...but not anywhere near as many as a year ago...

And then last night, having returned to Athens, Georgia--- I went out with my friends here to some bars... and while we walked the 3 blocks or so from one bar to another, I ran into 3 separate people I know well enough to hug right there on the street....

Home Sweet Home, I guess....